How your kids make you cheesy...the Disney World post

You know those people that have giant inflatable snow globes on their lawn come Christmas?  (Maybe you ARE one of those people).  For many years I thought that was the tackiest thing I'd ever seen.  I wondered WHY would ANYONE put such an atrocity on their front lawn?

And then I had kids.

And I understood that a lot of these families do not have bad taste....they just have kids.  And the joy and delight that fills up their child's face at the prospect of having something SO MAGICALLY COOL on the lawn come Christmas trumps the parents' desire for their home to look classily festive.

And this is why I found myself with a line of light up plastic candy canes festooning my walk this past holiday season. 

There's something else that will happen soon that I never thought would happen.

We're going to Disneyland!

(Actually it's Disney World. But it's so much more fun to say you're going to Disneyland.)

I hate crowds. I mean I REALLY hate crowds and my husband is not much better.  Going to a boy scout pack meeting requires many deep breathing exercises, attending school Halloween parades is best done after a shot of tequila and visiting Funtime America is to be avoided at all costs.  I'm the person who likes to eat out at 5 pm like an octogenarian because no one's at the restaurant and we only go to Chuckie Cheese (once a year) at 10 ON THE DOT on a weekday so that we are the only people there and can then scurry out the door like Chucky's namesake character when it starts filling up.

When we go on vacation, it's always somewhere somewhat obscure, very non-touristy and usually off season so it's nearly empty. Some people thrive on the energy and excitement of crowds but I'm not one of them.   I like quiet, particularly when I'm on vacation trying to recharge. I love when there's "nothing to do".  Jackpot!  More books to read! ( I know what you're thinking..."We MUST HAVE HER at our next party!")

And yet, next month we're going to Disney World.  My oldest is nearly 7 and I had several families urge me to go "before the magic wears off" and this terrified us into booking a trip.  This trip has all of my least favorite things -- crowds, rushing, lines, frantic schedules, bright lights, constant noise and giant turkey legs.

A part of me longs to tell the children that Disney burned down and then go to Block Island instead to sketch lichens and visit the island's lone alpaca.

But their joy in realizing that they're going to Disney is sort of sweeping me up in the excitement also.  My youngest can't wait to see Minnie Mouse and my oldest wants to battle Darth Vader.  They can't believe they're going to visit a haunted mansion and spin on the tea cups.  They are thrilled and euphoric that we're finally going on a vacation in which the main event doesn't involve hiking through a beachside trail because that's really all that there is to do.

And while my husband and I are aren't exactly donning mouse ears yet and prancing around the house to "When You Wish Upon A Star"  I have to admit even we're getting pretty excited. I've been sharing details with the children of our itinerary "Eating with Lady & The Tramp! It's A Small World! Fireworks!"  It's a far cry from our previous non-kid vacations which include visiting the Tate Modern in London and sampling mussels in St. Jean de Luz or sailing completely around this random island as I alternately vomited and went snorkeling for an 8 hour period.  But those kinds of activities aren't geared for children that young. Well, except maybe the vomiting.

Yes, in many ways Disney will be my kryptonite -- over-stimulating, crowded and noisy.  It's the anti-vacation for someone who's at heart an introvert. But I think the looks on our kids' faces and the happiness this trip will bring them will far outweigh any panic attacks I'll be experiencing while we're there.  Or at least I hope.  If it's dreadful we don't have to go again.

Even though it's a giant pain in the ass and extremely expensive, I think travel is really important every so often, not just to get out of your normal environment but to have your kids experience other parts of the world.  There will be a time, yet again, when my hubby and I can go back to the southwestern part of France or take our teenagers on the 12 hour flight to the North Shore of Oahu when it's deserted.  But at this point, it's the Magic Kingdom.  The things we do for our children.

I'll pack my flask. (Is this frowned upon?) Dumbo the Flying Elephant here we come!

Five Nights At Freddy's and other stuff to be avoided

I woke up Saturday morning in a foul mood.  My husband, Big G, woke up in a worse one.  I snapped at him.  He snapped at me.  We glared at each other. Considering the children were at a sleepover at Grandma's the night before, we should have been elated. We weren't. I was in a terrible mood and I had no idea why. Even my morning walk through the woods with my friend Red did very little to get me out of my funk.  It wasn't until later in the day, in my karate class, when I accidentally kicked through two boards and right into a chagrined classmate's stomach that I realized I needed to reign in my bad mood.

I stomped home and huffed over to my husband who was pouting in the other room as the kids played checker-chess on the floor. 

"What's wrong with you?!" I demanded, which I think is, to date, the worst thing you can ever say to anyone as an opening to reconciliation.

"Nothing!  What's wrong with you?" he snarled.

I stopped.

"Honestly, I don't know." I was puzzled.  Why was I in such a bad mood?  "I had a lot of bad dreams last night. I didn't sleep well."

"Me neither," he admitted as the tension broke.  "Do you think it was the movie we watched last night?  Because I think it was.  It's putting us both in a bad mood."

I stopped and thought about that.  Generally I don't see violent movies.  Anything with graphic violence, torture scenes, and gory horror films I avoid like the plague. Some people can watch it and let it roll off them, but that kind of stuff tends to stay with me, the grotesque or disturbing images running on a loop in my head, hence the bad dreams.   I'm either extremely sensitive or I'm just a big wus.

"I've been thinking about it," Big G continued. "The part where the guys feet were cut off--"

"STOP!" I held up both of my hands.  "I don't want to revisit it!"

"And then it got me to thinking about all the other terrible things in the world." my husband continued.  "And it put me in a bad mood."

Could it be?  Could seeing an extremely violent movie color our mood for the next 24 hours?  And if this was the case, what impact could seeing violent movies/ video games have on our children's less developed psyches?

It reminded me of something that happened about a month ago when our 6 year old, Big A stopped sleeping for a few days.  He finally broke down and admitted to us that he saw a friend on the bus playing a handheld video game called "Five Nights At Freddy's"  He was crying and begging us to please "take the scary pictures out of his head."  Which we couldn't do.  Big A saw something he was clearly not ready to understand and now he couldn't un-see it. We reassured him as best we could that video games aren't real but it broke my heart how his mind was affected by seeing something so disturbing. It took a lot of time and reassurance before Big A believed that the scary characters from the Freddy's video game weren't actually real and were not going to attack him the dead of night.

( I looked up "Five Nights At Freddy's" by the way.  It's TERRIFYING!  Bloody animatronic animals jumping out at you...creepy.  This macabre "horror" type videogame is for ages 13 and up but I was freaked out by it.  I was deeply saddened that Big A was exposed to something so frightening on the school bus that had impacted him so negatively.)

However, some kids and some adults can see bad stuff, cringe and let it go.  Our family has a rich history of internalizing.

When my hub and I realized that our moods were in fact being impacted by the disturbing and depressing subject matter of the movie the night before, we snapped out of it and had a lovely evening with the kids, one involving going out for milkshakes and, ironically, the board game Sorry!  But it made me ever more aware of the effect that movies and other media can have on ourselves and especially our children. 

So we won't be lining up to see the next Quentin Tarantino movie any time soon. Or letting our 6 year old play "5 Nights At Freddy's"...no matter how cool his classmates say it is. Obviously, he can't handle it. And considering how much we enjoy sleep and good times in this house, neither can we.

Just Say No

I know that this is going to sound insane, given that our children are 3 and 6 years old, but we recently talked to them about drugs.

A friend's son had just died of a drug overdose and after the wake, walking to our car, my husband, in an abrupt departure from his usual happy and laid-back self, suddenly grabbed me and said "That was awful. No parent should ever have to go through that. I don't want this to ever happen to our family."  Seeing the destroyed parents is something we will never forget.

It wasn't the first wake we attended for a young person who had died of a drug overdose. But it was the first time we had attended as parents ourselves.

Certain people around me say that we are fighting a losing battle.  That whether or not our kids do drugs is out of our control.  They say that having an addictive personality is something you're either born with, or not.  They say that certain drugs are so powerful that there is nothing we can do to stop them.  And that drugs are everywhere.

So maybe the odds are stacked against us.  But I'm going down swinging.  I want to know that at least I did everything that I could do to keep my kids off drugs.  So after discussing our options after a rather stilted lunch of Korean tacos, we decided to talk to our very young kids about the evils of drugs.

Talking to our 3 year old was pretty easy.  While she likely didn't understand the concept, we figured it's never too early to impart the message.  This is a summation of our conversation.

Us:  Drugs are bad and you should never do them.
Her:  What's drugs?
Us:  Something bad. That you should never do.
Her:  Like Pez?
Us:  Yes.  But they don't taste sweet, like Pez.
Her:  What do drugs taste like?
Us: Uh...like dirt...and poop. They taste awful.
Her:  Will someone go in timeout, if they do drugs?
Us:  Yes, forever.  Because rugs are bad.
Her:  Will I cry?
Us:  Yes. And we will cry.  If you do drugs.  Drugs are bad.
Her:  Okay.  I won't do drugs. pause Can we play a game where I chase you around with this spoon?

I always say that we need to give our children SOMETHING to talk about in therapy one day.  Talking to our toddler about drugs is a good start.

The conversation with our 6 year old was a little more effective, I thought.

We opened by telling him about the wake we attended that day and how the young man had died due to drugs.

Him: Was he a kid?
Us:  No.  But he was a very young adult. And he was (Name withheld)'s child.  And they are so sad now.
Him:  How old was he?
Us:  22
Him:  Was he married?
Us: No, he didn't get a chance.
Him:  That's really sad.
Us:  It is.  
Him:  Was he like, bad?
Us:  No.  He was good and sweet but the drugs were too powerful.  Once he started, he couldn't stop.
Him:  I won't do drugs.
Us:  You shouldn't. They could kill you. And then you won't get to live a long, happy life.
Him: I want to be happy.
Us:  Good!  Because we want you to be happy.
Him:  I'll only drink beer one day.
Me:  WHOA!  Where are you getting this from?
Him:  I'm going to drink a can when I'm an adult. With a straw.  
Stunned silence.
Him:  Don't worry, I won't drink and drive.
Us:  Err...that's good. But moving on. When you grow up, you might be at a party where there's drugs.  And if that's the case, we want you to call us and have us pick you up.
Him: mildly panicked WHY would you send me to a party where there's drugs?!
Us: If we didn't KNOW there would be drugs there.
Him: hyperventilating now  How did you not know? You should check before sending me! 
Us: If for some reason, there are drugs at a party--
Him:  DefCon 5 I don't want to go to a party where there's drugs!  I'm afraid I'm going to do them, accidentally! I just want to stay home!
Us:  You know what?  You and all your friends are all just going to hang out here during high school. This is going to be the hang-out house, okay?  So we're all sure there's no drugs.
Him: Visible relieved If this is the hang-out house, can we get a ping-pong table?
Us:  Uhhh...sure. When the time comes.
Him:  Can some of my friends sleepover?
Us: Whatever, sure.
Him: YES! Okay, I will NOT do drugs. But sometimes I want to go to my friends' houses. Where there are no drugs.

I know it seems like we promised him a ping pong table in exchange for drug abstinence. And I know that perhaps all of this is way over their heads.  But I want to begin the dialogue now.  I want to drill it into their heads that drugs are bad and dangerous, and can easily ruin the lives of many good people.   I want to let our children know that if doing drugs is cool, I will make them wear mandatory pocket protectors.  I want them to know that I would rather them be the total square that calls their over-protective parents to pick them up and be alive rather than the daring rebel who's willing to try any drug and eventually be dead.  I want them to understand that friends of theirs, desperate for an escape (from whatever) or merely looking to have some fun, may try heavy drugs and, unable to get off of them, may pay dearly, perhaps even with their young lives.  

We want our kids to stay active, interested and passionate about things.  We want to know who their friends are and who their friends' parents are also. We want everyone poking fun at us because we spoke to our children about drugs at such a young age.

We don't care. 

Because the price is too high, the suffering too great to lose yet another child to such a preventable tragedy.  So talk to your children about not doing drugs they way you talk to them about not running into the street.  Both can kill you.

New Year's Slowdown

The holidays were a blast but there's some relief in pressing the reset button.  Closets are being cleaned out, salads are back on the menu, we've locked up the liquor cabinet and people around here are actually exercising on a regular basis. We're buckling back down with work and school and all the kids' activities are back in full swing.

While things are speeding up again and we're getting back on a schedule (which I love...I truly love a schedule almost more than cheese) I've made an important New Year's resolution I intend to keep.

SLOW DOWN.

I move through life pretty fast. I think most parents do. Besides work, and the business of raising kids (everything from bedtime to homework to meal prep to getting the kids to swimming lessons to imparting wisdom when your daughter is crushed because a classmate told her he hates girls) there's a lot of other crap that sucks our time down the drain. Running a household, volunteering, keeping some semblance of a social life and any additional activities like working out or being creative whether it's writing, painting or sewing. Then there's that 5 minutes a day we all squeeze in to drink a cup of coffee or read something for pleasure.  If we're lucky.

I don't want to live this way anymore. I felt the impact of this rushed existence when I sat down outside my daughter's dance class to read a book (which I will not name, as not to slander it) about making use of the tiny bits of extra time you get when waiting in the carpool line or at 5:45 a.m. before your toddler awakes.  NO WAY!  How is that okay?  I don't want to squeeze my life into tiny fragments of leftover time.

So it's time to clear the decks.  Little D won't be signing up for karate even though she's begging us...why?  She already takes ballet and gymnastics.  Maybe she can try karate in the summer when gymnastics takes a break. New rule for the kids -- "No more than two scheduled after school activities"  Why?  This leaves plenty of time for play dates, playtime and family time. Big A won't be taking basketball lessons...he already has swimming and karate.  He can play b-ball whenever the mood strikes outside at the net with his dad.  Done. 

 I just realized that limiting each of our kids to two scheduled lessons per week not only saves times time, it saves money!  And it leaves plenty of time for spontaneity.  Building with legos, playing with action figures, drawing, creating and imagining in their very own homes.  Not to mention resting from their action packed days at school.

And de-scheduling goes for me as well. I don't think I'll be making every church council or scout leaders meeting. I've asked another mom to cover a few Sunday School classes for me.  "Just say no" might be my new battle cry when it comes to being any more involved unless it's something about which I am truly passionate.   I want to focus during the day and get my work done so that when my kids are present, I can truly be present for my kids.

Giving up some of these superfluous activities leaves precious, blessed room!  Room to watch a movie together as a family or space for that good friend you haven't seen in a while to come over for dinner  (and see the kids!)  That sounds way better than going to a boring committee meeting or driving your son to yet another activity that clogs up his already tight schedule.

As long as I have all the stress of having small children, I want to really relish the enjoyment they bring as well.  And don't get me wrong. I want to make things available to them.  I want to encourage my son's love of swimming and support him in attaining his black belt. I'm fully willing to drive little D, our gymnastics dynamo, 20 minutes away once a week so she can perfect her cartwheel.  But I'm not going overboard because this frantic, face-paced life that's become the norm so for many of us is just not working for my family. 

Time is zooming past me so quickly. It's already a new year. Time to slow down and really savor it as much as I can.