I'm not sure if it was because I ate an enormous piece of chocolate babka at 9 o'clock or because I was going to be late with another book review but as I staggered off to sleep last night I was feeling pretty down on myself. I was angry that I scarfed dessert so late instead of drinking water with lemon. I felt like a big loser for not getting the exercise I had planned. And I felt a failure for not filing my review on time. I skulked off to bed in a cloud of self-loathing.
"Will you check on the kids?" I called to my husband who had already bounded up the stairs to the bedroom. I caught a reflection of my scowling self in (of all things) the microwave and it hit me, in that moment, how lucky I was to have to sleeping children in this home and to have a loving partner willing to check on them and in fact to have a warm home at all.
A strange thought popped into my head.
It occurred to me that I have it all.
And I felt like a real wanker for being so ungracious in exerting my thoughts and energy on being so unkind to myself instead of appreciating the fucking Eden that was continuously blooming up all around me. What the hell is wrong with me. I'm down on myself about A PIECE OF CAKE?
Attention Mommies (and the few daddies who read this blog):
Amidst your crazy days of work and parenting where you have crammed so much into your day for the betterment of others and while you've been a source of love and support for everyone around you and you are bone tired....
I'd like you to remember something vitally important.
You have it all.
Do you realize that you have it all? I bet you don't. I bet you totally forget for long periods of time. Chunks of time, days that you fritter away, thinking about all that you don't have. I do that too.
I want to kick myself. Mommies are coming over tomorrow and I still never got window treatments in the living room. What are we, savages? I'm mortified. And yet...I found 6 fellow moms in my town who with whom I genuinely connect (and who have sweet children my kids adore.) Hence, I have it all.
I didn't get up and run today. I haven't run in a week. I berate myself. I'm lazy, I'm unmotivated. But I have two healthy legs for running and two healthy lungs to breathe. I can run tomorrow. I can slap this laptop shut and run right now. I can leap around my house if I want to give me neighbors something (else) to talk about. Thus, I have it all.
My daughter has decided that she hates hair bows, barrettes, and ponytails of any kind. She runs away screaming when I try to brush her hair. But I usually catch her and try to brush as she flails. Her sparse spikey hair now resembles a cross between Albert Einstein and a cartoon hedgehog. I'm sure all other moms are judging me for what looks like my indifference to my daughter's unkempt-looking hair. But my daughter has hair. She's not suffering from an auto-immune disease or another sickness. Think of how many mothers with suffering children going to through treatment would kill to have their child healthy enough to grow wild, messy hair. Therefore, I have it all.
There are so many things that we all judge ourselves for, and so harshly. We are not where we are in our careers. Maybe we don't have our dream house. Some of us, particularly after a cheese binge, can't fit into our skinny jeans, not by a long shot. But we are gainfully employed, we have roofs over our heads and enough to eat.
We are so critical that we forget gratitude. We forget that no one can be a more perfect you than...well...you. And you have everything you need right now. So just for today, instead of focusing on your lack focus on your abundance. You have so much of it, do you even realize that? I usually don't, I'm ashamed to admit.
Focus on the truth, rather than our warped perceptions of our perceived imperfections.
You are wonderful. You are extraordinary. And you have it all.
You have healthy child? Check. ( Or maybe you don't. Maybe you have a sick child and you're the best possible parent to care for and advocate for this child. But you have a child and you get to experience the parent-child bond -- a kind of love that's unrelenting. Then, check.)
You are happy? Check. (Or maybe you're not. Maybe your job stinks. How exciting for you to see where you life will take you as you eventually find your way to a career about which you are passionate. So check.)
You are safe? Check. (Or maybe you don't feel safe because you go to bed alone every night. Maybe you want to share your life and home with someone. How blessed you are that falling in love with that special person is something you have to look forward to.)
Check, check, check!
You lucky duck..
You have it all.